@OMGSoOverIt

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

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@kirstenabigail2

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

@biatchppplease

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

@snowflakecheese

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@IvoryGazelle

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

@heybuddy_comic

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.