@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

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@PaperWash

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

@crapitscori

My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl

@subtweetopath

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@MichaelTrying

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

@Alvildalikely

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs