@XclairemckX
@PaperWash
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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@PaperWash
@SwordzOrc
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
@crapitscori
My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl
@desukidesu
roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot
@subtweetopath
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
@MichaelTrying
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
@sarcasticmommy4
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
@Alvildalikely
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
@hansabumsadaisy
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
@Browtweaten
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs