He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

You Might Also Like


*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!


My husband is at a wedding and I’m really pulling for him to meet a nice girl


[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.


Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.


How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”


In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.


What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.


Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is


*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs