He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Rambo Rambow
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.