he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?