He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

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Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.


*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend


I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.


inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it


Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.


Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.


me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine


*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”