He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
You Might Also Like
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“i am a sweet baby”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Cake!!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun