Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries
*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
*pulls the plug*