@JerpsBerps
@BreadFoster
Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.
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@BreadFoster
@DaddyJew
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
@NakedHangover
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
@NikiWithIssues
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
@thelateinnings
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
@Brianhopecomedy
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
@megfraser
Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.
@PhilJamesson
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
@probnotbob
I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries
@SmiggieBalls2
*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep