He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol