Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see