@donni

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

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@Izianikapani

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

@Tups13

As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@Carbosly

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

@Jake_Vig

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

@TheHatStore

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

@Izianikapani

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

@Iwriteforcats

Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”

@kenchengcomedy

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see