He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now