He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither