He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN