He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
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“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I put the hot in psychotic.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!