I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”