@DrCephalopod

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

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@joshbupkes

Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live

@mrsauntiepam

Maybe EXACTLY what I want is for my pizza to be touched, Dominoes. Maybe it’s been a long damn time since anyone has touched my pizza.

@PinkCamoTO

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@mommajessiec

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

@NintenDom

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

@dhilliard74

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.