“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

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Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live


Maybe EXACTLY what I want is for my pizza to be touched, Dominoes. Maybe it’s been a long damn time since anyone has touched my pizza.


It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.


Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.


Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was


If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.


I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.


Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.