Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Thanks to a fan for this one!

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.