@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

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@HatfieldAnne

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

@Jarhead44

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@FredTaming

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

@Getnosexual

My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.

@HaliPhacks

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.