He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.


Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid


An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”


[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!


[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking


My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.


2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.