Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.