He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.

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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,


I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.


Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”


me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises


A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.


Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.


DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti