@TheTweetOfGod

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.

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@TravLeBlanc

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is.

Him: No drugs.

Me: Got it… Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?

@Dustinkcouch

customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@anerdonfire2

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

@Marcmywords2

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

@zachreinert03

Hey people who say ‘I want my funeral to be like this’: what are you going to do about it if they don’t do it like that?

@junejuly12

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?