*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.