He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.

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“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?


I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.


Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is.

Him: No drugs.

Me: Got it… Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?


customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer


The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.


Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.


Hey people who say ‘I want my funeral to be like this’: what are you going to do about it if they don’t do it like that?


*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?