Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.