[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
lot going on here, legally speaking.