mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*