I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
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Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My neck my back my allergy attack
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*