I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
twitter users today:
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.