Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.