My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
sin harder.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My neck, my back, my…
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.