Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

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[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*


cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there


WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.


Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.



GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out


It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.


I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …


I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.


In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.


If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.