Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

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NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored


[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it


boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!


I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself


[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you


Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?


2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth


“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?


I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie


snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool