[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
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cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.