@Douchekevin

Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.

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@ItsAndyRyan

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

@FatherWithTwins

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

@SamGrittner

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.

@slyoung5

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

@ceejoyner

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

@chuuew

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

@AsYouNotWish

I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.