@Douchekevin

Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.

You Might Also Like

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

@BastardProphet

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@DamienFahey

If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.

@TheAlexNevil

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

@tweetrajouhari

When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.

@iwearaonesie

[leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign

@causticbob

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate