My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken