Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.

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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”


[tattoo parlor]


“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“


“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”


If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.


“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport


When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.


[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign


Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate