@Douchekevin
@causticbob
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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@causticbob
@dave_cactus
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
@Pork_Chop_Hair
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
@BastardProphet
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
@UncleDuke1969
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
@DamienFahey
If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.
@TheAlexNevil
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
@tweetrajouhari
When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.
@iwearaonesie
[leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
@causticbob
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate