I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
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Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
who will stop them
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos