@DaddyJew

[heading to any family function]

Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila

Gf: where?

Me: down my throat

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!

Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!

@DebasaurusRex

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

@E_lok44

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

@AtticusFinch79

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

@MarfSalvador

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

@McGrumpenstein

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@IvoryGazelle

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

@aparnapkin

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

@LuvPug

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…