Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!
Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!
[heading to any family function]
Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila
Me: down my throat
You Might Also Like
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
wife: tell me her name
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…