[heading to any family function]

Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila

Gf: where?

Me: down my throat

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Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!

Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!


I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.


“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.


Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both


Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.


wife: tell me her name



*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway


my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before


*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef


What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.


If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…