Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??