Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I came this close!!!!
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life