Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me



No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.


Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.


Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”


*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office

*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting



ME: can I start digging?

SOCIETY: no wtf that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology


I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…


[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall


I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.