Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?


[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?



I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.


Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.


I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too


I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”


God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.