Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
me and my fake scenarios
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget