[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it