Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies