Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.