Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
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[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.