Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?