To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
that lip filler tho
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread