Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Dance like you’re not the father
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.