Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
The cake is mightier than the sword.