[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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Me: That does it!
[bangs on upstairs neighbor’s door]
[Elephant on a pogo stick answers]
Sup? Am I being too loud?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.
Me: I understand.
*bankrupts the company
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh