@primawesome

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

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@sofarrsogud

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: That does it!

[bangs on upstairs neighbor’s door]

[Elephant on a pogo stick answers]
Sup? Am I being too loud?

@thedad

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

@LackOfShame

Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company

@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@Pro_Jones_

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh