health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*