health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.


[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.


oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere


SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.


*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*



Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.


mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww


Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.