My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement