Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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This is so me 😂😂
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Blew out my flip flop…
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore