@SortaBad

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

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@GeauxSaints79

M: Are you gonna eat that baby?

Lady: What!!?! Go away you Sick-O’

M: Sorry! I saw you putting it on Instagram & figured.. Never mind.

@pilau

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

@LuvPug

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

@nicfit75

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

@internetluke

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

@julieklausner

If I were Santa Claus, I’d have my agent be like “He’s not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.”

@trumpetcake

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

@AndrewNadeau0

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.