@adamgreattweet

Health officials: Don’t touch your face

Me, seconds later:

You Might Also Like

@katiefzack

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

@flashember

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

@thepaulasuzanne

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

@ADHDeanASL

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

@Pro_Jones_

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

@Tmoney68

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

@notthenanny

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]