Health officials: Don’t touch your face

Me, seconds later:

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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.


*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”


Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.


(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”


the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all


Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.


Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.


By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”