I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Ummm
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.