@adamgreattweet

Health officials: Don’t touch your face

Me, seconds later:

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@Phook75

Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college

@SoulYodeler

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

@evecullen610

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

@markleggett

Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.

@RedIsDead

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

@GoldenSpirals

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

@Jamie1947

[tv ad]
Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey

@WhaJoTalkinBout

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.