Health officials: Don’t touch your face

Me, seconds later:

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Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college


Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend


I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?


Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.


Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*


Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*


I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.


[tv ad]
Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey


For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.


Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.