@adamgreattweet

Health officials: Don’t touch your face

Me, seconds later:

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@RobertManchild

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@rachelle_mandik

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

@robdelaney

Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@chrisopotamia

By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”