Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
my proudest tweet
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
#Caturday
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese