*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”