@Mothpete: Health tip: There's never a 'safe' time to shake a teenage boy's hand. Never.
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@joeheenan: My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman. I asked him who it was & he replied “She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight” A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
@heckyessica: If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
@Mr_Kapowski: *wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant* *she storms out upset* *I follow* Outside: "DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!" *high 5*