Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*