healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me