Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.