Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
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I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Me: This infomercial is so stupid.
*10 mins later*
Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?