Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin


I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?


Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?


paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter


My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.


I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture


Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?