*pronounces bondage like corsage.
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[loses house key, starts a new life]
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs