Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Camping tip: No.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
goldfish mafia
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan