@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

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@whatmaddness

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@Marlebean

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

@pdxjohnny99

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@GinGander

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

@JohnLyonTweets

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.