“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’m not proud
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.