Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.