Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

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“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.


Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble


Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.


I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.


DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.


VADER: Star bucks.


Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.


I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.


-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.